Weekly Update for February 5, 2010

TOPICS COVERED IN THIS ENTRY:
Thursday

Friday

Sabbath

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday



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Thursday


I want this family to become more self-sustainable. I want to grow as much of our own food as we can (which would probably be limited since we rent and our back yard isn't THAT big), and I want to start canning food.

Right now, I'm going to start with canning my own spaghetti sauce. Of course it will have to be store bought produce (which I really hate doing because it doesn't have all the nutrients of a home-grown vegetable, but it's a place to start).

I'm also doing research on how to inexpensively MAKE a garden area. We can't dig up the yard (though I really don't think the landlord would mind THAT much), but we CAN build on top of it. So we'll see. I'll find some plans that look good and then get together with Ray (the landlord) and discussing it with him. He knows what it's like to enjoy the benefits of your own personal garden, so I'm sure he'd be willing to work on it with me so we can have one, even if it is very small. Then I'll just have to decide which produce is most important to me to have home grown. Tomatoes are definite. Perhaps even carrots and lettuce, since those are the things we use the most around here.

A friend of mine told me about Square Foot Gardening, so I'm checking that out. I think, to begin with, I'll start with the four square foot and then gradually increase. I REALLY want the pyramid, but that will have to wait until I know I'm not going to waste the money by killing all the plants in my garden.

This next payday, if we have extra $$$, I'm going to purchase two LARGE stock pots (or maybe I'll just get a canner...if I can find one I can afford) and a few sets of canning jars and lids. I'll also be grabbing all the ingredients needed for my Crock Pot spaghetti sauce, one traditional style the other garden style (because I like zucchini and mushrooms in mine). I'll be spending some time cooking and canning my spaghetti sauce. Now if only I had a pasta maker. I could save us lots of money on pasta and sauces.

It might also be helpful in getting Mike to eat more healthy. If we had the produce handy without him having to worry about eating what I have planned for something else, he may eat more. Right now he's afraid of eating what I've bought because he's afraid it was designated for something. I need to have this kind of stuff handy all the time if I'm going to convince him to eat more healthy. And since home grown produce is better than store bought because home grown you can wait until the peak of perfection to pick so it absorbs all of it's taste, he'll probably be happier with this idea. I know I enjoy home grown tomatoes so much more than store bought. I'll eat an entire home grown tomato like an apple. Store bought makes me gag unless it's IN something.

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Speaking of Mike, I'm worried about him. He hasn't been feeling well for quite a while. For like, the last two months or more he's been having problems breathing through his nose. He has a tendency to get nasal polyps, so that's what we figured it was. But when he gets them, he usually gets rid of them within a month. But he's STILL having issues breathing through his nose. As in, he CAN'T.

Well, a few days ago he was able to add coughing to it. Not bad, and usually just while he's laughing really hard. But today he started coughing up blood. At first I thought it was just throat irritation from coughing so hard so much, but when I saw it wasn't bright blood, it was dark, I became concerned that it was coming from his lungs. He's been a smoker for 26 years or so, I'm sure you know what I was thinking. I've also watched The Deadliest Catch episode when one of the Captains had to get off the boat and go to the hospital because he was coughing up blood thinking it was a broken rib from a hard fall he took, but turned out it was a clot that broke free in his lungs or something along those lines. I don't remember ALL the details, but it could have killed him and he's lucky it didn't.

Anyway, he told me he'd probably have to go to the hospital if it didn't stop. But now he's telling me he's not coughing up blood anymore. I don't believe him, but there's nothing I can do. I can't even guilt him into it.

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Friday

I went almost a full month without a visit from Aunt Flo. Though it can also be said she's not really visiting right now either.

I never had the mittelschmerz. I didn't get the pmdd or pms. I'm not cramping AT ALL. I have absolutely NO symptoms of menstruation. Except there is blood. Not just ANY blood, but very light, brown-ish blood.

In fact, what I am experiencing right now is what I typically experience during early pregnancy. And the "bleeding" began at exactly the right amount of time after the last time we had sex.

Not saying I think I'm pregnant. I just think my body is screwing with me. I better not be pregnant. I know what will happen if I am. My womb is a hostile environment. If I'm pregnant, it won't last and I'll be able to add yet another pregnancy loss to my tally marks. And I swear on all that is holy and just, there will be ABSOLUTELY NO SEX AT ALL until I get my tubes tied...or my uterus removed. Whatever the case may be. EVEN if that means YEARS down the road. Because if I AM pregnant, obviously the precautions aren't working.

And I can't continue going through these heartbreaks because the damn contraception doesn't work right.

****************I have been BLOCKED on Facebook by FAMILY.

I don't even know why. She's added my Dad, my brother, his wife, my other cousin....Just not me. I tried adding her to my page, she ignores me. I tried adding her to the boys' pages (because family gets added to their profiles so they can see how the boys are doing) she added Micheal then removed him and she ignored Christopher (probably because she added Micheal and figured out who he was).

I sent her a message asking her if I had done something wrong and asking her to please tell me so I could properly apologize. She ignored me. And now she's blocked me completely. I know this to be fact because I can still see her when I'm in one of the boys' profiles, but not when I'm in mine. That means she blocked me.

And I don't even know why.

Mom thinks it's because she's at the age where certain memories are coming to the front of her brain involving her Dad and the horrible things he did to her. And since he did some of those things to me and I didn't keep my mouth shut about it, having anything to do with me brings up too many bad memories for her.

I call bullshit. How would *I* affect it and not anyone else in my immediate family like my Dad or brother? She and I USED TO BE friends. Now all of a sudden I'm block-worthy.

Dad says not to be too upset about it. He said she's far too worldly. But it doesn't matter. She is my FAMILY. I LOVE her. But she wants nothing to do with me for whatever reason I am apparently not worthy of being told. All I ever did was tell her how beautiful her daughter is. I never criticized her for her choice of life or ANYTHING.

I'm more hurt than angry.

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Sabbath

I slept very well last night. Went to bed around 7:30pm or so to do some reading before I fell asleep. I was probably asleep by 8:30pm. Woke up at 9:30 thinking it was almost 6:30am. Nope, so I fell back to sleep. Woke up again at 2:30am thinking it was 6:30am. Nope, so I fell back to sleep. Woke up at 6:30 to take Mike to work and didn't feel like I needed to go BACK to sleep when I got home, so I started reading again until the boys got up. Made their breakfast, took my shower, got ready for church.

But because they didn't EAT their breakfast WHILE I was taking my shower (AS they were supposed to) we began running late. So I told them, No Your Story Hourtoday otherwise we'll be late to Sabbath school.

We were still 10 minutes late to Sabbath school. Go figure.

ANYWAY, went to Sabbath school. I even participated a little bit in the discussion. Before Chaya came along, I did that quite often. Since Chaya's death, I have kept my mouth shut. But today I decided it's time to be involved again. And I did.

Forgot the sermon this week was going to be done by someone I don't want to listen through. It's not that he's bad, it's just that he's too technical. He's a Doctor. Not just any doctor, but a SURGEON. He gets far too technical in his discussions. And frankly, I go to church for spiritual upliftment, NOT a science lesson. Some people may enjoy it, and that's all fine and good. I, however, do not. So we left after song service and greeting (shaking everyone's hand telling them WELCOME! and HAPPY SABBATH!) and went to Mom and Dad's.

Talked about Sabbath school and some things that were said that really got my goat and had our own interesting spiritual discussion. Then mentioned that my cousin had blocked me from her Facebook.

I mentioned last week to them that she won't add me as her friend and she won't even respond to me when I send her a message. Today, I told them she BLOCKED me. She wants ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with me. She won't even give me the chance to apologize for anything I've done wrong. To which my Dad told me I didn't do anything wrong, it's nothing to do with me. It's because I blew the whistle on what her *cough* Dad *cough* was doing, thus breaking her family apart.

I asked my Dad how she could be mad at me for that. I don't get it, I really don't. The man is a pervert. He essentially raped his oldest daughter on a frequent basis, and by the end of the whole ordeal it came out he had sexually abused MORE THAN 300 kids just in the one area they lived in. And multitudes MORE were coming forward! It took a little over half a decade for me to finally open my mouth to the one person it mattered to in order to get it to stop for my cousin (only because my Mom told me my Aunt wasn't ready for the information yet when it actually happened TO me). But once I told my Aunt what he did to me, it was all over for him.

My Dad thinks my cousin hates me for saying anything because it ruined her life. But HOW did it ruin her life? I got the man who was sexually abusing her AWAY from her.

Though now that I write it out, I think I see what the problem is. It's not that I said something. It's that I said something TOO LATE. Had I said something to her Mom AT the time it happened to me, it wouldn't have gone on as long as it did. My Mom thinks, though, that even if I had said something then it still would have happened because my Aunt wouldn't have believed me and HE would have taken them far away from family and it would have gone on longer and no one would have ever known.

Still, I do feel guilty for it happening to her as long as it did. I was 12 when he did it to me. She would have been about 9. She had already had about four years of it with him. Had I said something right away, maybe it would have ended at 9, instead of at 16. And even though my Mom thinks it wouldn't have mattered if I had said something to my Aunt at 12 (my Aunt even agrees that had we said something THEN, she wouldn't have believed it and thus would have done nothing), I still feel guilty about it.

Damn asshole is the one who did something wrong and here I am feeling guilty about it! What sort of messed up crap is that?!?!?!

Anyway, spent some time with Mom and Dad until Mike called at 2:30pm. Then I just went home. I was starting to get a headache again, so I figured it best to just go home.

Oh, and Aunt Flo decided to stop teasing me and actually show up. But still no cramping. The only problem I'm experiencing is the extreme fatigue from losing so much blood. Menstruation sure zaps the energy. I'm not complaining about the lack of other symptoms, though, so don't get me wrong.

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Sunday

Didn't get to bed at such an awesome hour last night. First I watched The Ugly Truth. Kinda vulgar in some spots, but I do so love Gerard Butler. Lucky Katherine Heigl.

After the movie was over and I had watched the deleted scenes, alternative endings, and gag reel, I watched the Hallmark Movie that was on. I don't remember what it was called, but it was pretty good. I enjoyed it. But by the end it was like 10pm and I still had some reading to do. I didn't get to sleep until probably 11:30. And while that's good because it's LOTS earlier than I typically get to bed, I was still hoping for a truly early night, not just a technically early night.

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As of this morning, I have officially gained 15 pounds since quitting smoking. I am now at 255 pounds. And I am NOT happy about it.

The Ugly Truth is going back to Netflix, and my next video is The Bollywood Dance Workout with Hemalayaa. I have a couple of friends who do it and they say it's great. They said it doesn't LOOK like it's a workout, but once you're done with it your body feels it. Obviously going out for a walk every day isn't working (because I can't convince myself to go out in the freezing cold to do it!), I need something that allows me to stay inside...at least in the beginning. Let me lose about 20-50 pounds and I might start going to the gym. *shrugs* We'll have to see.

Although I AM going to try to get to the YMCA and get some memberships going so we can use the pool. Doing laps is a low-impact workout that doesn't cause my fbm to flare up.

If I enjoy this dvd I might see about ordering all of them from Hemalayaa. At $66 for five dvd's, that's not bad at all.

My goal is to lose 47 pounds by the end of the year. I can probably lose more than that, but I don't want to set myself up for failure. I also don't want to lose weight TOO fast. Give as big as my belly is, I need to lose the belly fat more slowly otherwise I'm going to end up with LOADS of extra, hanging, saggy skin. If I lose the weight more slowly, it gives my skin a chance to bounce back. In order to help my skin bounce back, I'm going to do some research on massages or oils or something that will help.

I once knew a woman who once weighed over 400 pounds. She lots 150 pounds in a year and ended up with a LOT of saggy skin. My belly is saggy enough, which means it's ugly enough. Having saggy skin filled with fat is ugly enough. Having saggy skin that is just hanging there is much, much worse.

I'm tired of looking like a beached whale...without the beach. Part of my problem is that when I'm not looking in a mirror or a shadow, I don't visualize myself as big as I am. Heavy, sure, but not THIS heavy. If there were no reflective devices anywhere, I could convince myself I'm a size 18. Seriously. In my head I'm no bigger than a size 18. Then I look in the mirror or the window and I think, DAMN WOMAN! How the hell did you get so freaking fat?!?!!! But then I walk away and nearly forget the fatness that is my belly. Other than the constant pain (which I've ALWAYS had, even when I was a svelte little 145 pounds in high school), I don't FEEL fat.

And most overweight people, even those who haven't ALWAYS been overweight, will tell you that they are just as heavy in their dreams as they are in real life. But oh no, not me. I am just as thin as I was in high school in my dreams. Well, I THINK I am. I can't say for CERTAIN because I dream in first-person most of the time. Only once in a while do I dream in third-person (in my dreams I AM me, instead of WATCHING me).

Yeah.

Anyway, I think I may have just solidified any thoughts you may have been having that I'm crazy. I am, by the way.

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Wednesday

Took Mike to the Dr today for the congested sinuses he's had for the last couple of months. Dr says it's probably Sinusitis. Put him on anti-biotics and a steroid nasal spray. And told him to quit smoking because the smoking irritates it.

Weighed him. He's 2.4 pounds shy of 300.

His blood pressure is still WAY lower than mine (I can't even begin to explain to you just how pissed off that really does make me).

His heart rate, however, is very high. Oh sure, they told him it's normal, but what they DIDN'T tell him is that it's normal for a morbidly obese man, NOT a truly normal heart rate. So of course he doesn't think there's anything wrong. I'm no medical professional, but even *I* know that a resting heart rate that high is a problem.

We got into a fight on the way home. I told him I love him no matter what he weighs, but I'm worried about him. I told him that with his smoking and his over eating, and over eating of the bad foods, and his weight, he's at severely increased risk of heart attack or stroke. And given his family medical history, it's not something to play around with.

But he doesn't care. He figures because he's been smoking for 26 years and nothing has happened, that nothing is going to happen and he'll be just fine. After all, he's been smoking 26 years and his blood pressure is WAY lower than mine. *sigh*

He also said that as long as he's happy, what does it matter what he does? I told him that's great. MY happiness is contingent on the health and happiness of those I love, where HIS happiness is contingent on him getting to do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it. I also told him that by his refusal to do things to be healthy, that says to me he doesn't care what happens to me or the boys if something were to happen to him. I told him that to me, it says he doesn't REALLY love us, because to me if he REALLY loved us, he would be taking care of those habits in his life that could take him away from us sooner rather than later.

I told him that if he changes his diet and starts exercising and doesn't lose weight, AT LEAST it will be trying to be healthier.

But apparently it's impossible to be happy whilst eating healthy and not smoking. With that kind of attitude it is.

how long 'til the numb happens?

Being bombarded with pregnancy announcements from fellow Glory Mamas, in the month where we SHOULD be celebrating my daughter's first birthday (but AREN'T), really puts one in a poor frame of mind.

YET ANOTHER pregnancy announcement today from yet another one of my Glory Mama friends.

When will the numb begin?

am i making it harder for them?

Sometimes I wonder if, in my own grief and desire to remember and honor Chaya's memory, I am becoming a burden on my children.

We went out for brunch today. Stopped at Black Bear Diner. Something special for the boys because they are such good and awesome young men. We were all having a good time (even Mike, who is struggling with Sinusitis), playing with each other, making jokes. Happy.

When the server brought our food, all of a sudden Micheal got quiet. After asking the blessing, he looked sad. So I asked him what was wrong. Eventually I got out of him that he misses Chaya. I asked him if that was what was really bothering him, or if he was just telling me that because he didn't want to tell me the REAL reason he is sad. To which he told me he really does miss Chaya.

And I have no idea where that came from. Yes, I have moments like that, but isn't that to be expected for the Mama? Or even the Daddy? I guess I never expected it to be from the sibling. Especially since he barely acknowledged the pregnancy in the first place. Even right after she died he didn't react. It wasn't until a good six months AFTER she died that he reacted. And now he's reacting almost every day.

Which causes me to wonder if it's because *I* am reacting right now. Would he be acting like this if I wasn't? I mean, I'm trying to be happy and cheerful, even though this month brings with it (yet again) the knowledge there should be another member of this family here, and thus another sadness. And I like to think I am faking my way through just fine. But now he, at nine years old, is taking on the qualities I find myself trying to hide...but apparently am failing miserably at.

Does he miss her? He was looking forward to being a big brother, instead of the baby brother. And he loves little ones, so I know he liked the idea of having another little one around. I'd venture to say that yes, his missing of her is genuine...though probably more likened the IDEA of her. But is my own grief making his healing more difficult?

put me out of my misery

Another pregnancy announced today. From another baby loss mama. Not just ANY baby loss mama, but a mama who went through her pregnancy with her daughter while I was going through my pregnancy with my daughter. Our daughters due within a couple weeks of each other.

Just shoot me now. Put me out of my misery.

Here we go again. Another February to get through.

Today it has been 1 year 2 months 3 weeks and 4 days since giving birth to Chaya. I noticed that when looking at my ticker.

I had a rough night last night. I think it being February made it worse.

I kept dreaming about Chaya. Only they weren't really dreams. They were more like thoughts. There were no pictures, no sound...just blackness. But LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of feeling.

Strange.

She was due this month last year. Had she been born on time, she'd be a year old this month. She probably wouldn't have been, because my babies all come rather early. And with the complications I was having, she probably would have been born at the end of December at the latest. But still. The knowledge this was her due date month causes pain.

I cried out to God again last night. Sometimes the pain is so heavy it's the only thing I can do.

Someone once told me that the firsts were the hardest. Once you get past their first due date, the first of the day you found out you were pregnant, all of the firsts, it gets better. This is the second time we've reached her due date and I can honestly say, it still hurts just as badly as it did last year. The only difference is I've learned to manage the pain.

They lied. They all lied. The pain doesn't ease AT ALL. Time does not heal all wounds, time does not ease all pain. This is one of those pains time does not heal nor ease. The only thing time does is help you learn how to manage the pain better.

Though we'll have to see just HOW WELL I've learned to manage the pain when February 23 comes along.

the unavoidable grief

I had a little mini breakdown this morning.

I can't recall off the top of my head how we got to talking about Chaya and all the other little ones I've lost, but something during morning worship prompted the very brief discussion. Something about seeing those we love in Heaven.

Anyway, about 30 minutes later or so I go upstairs and see Micheal sitting on the floor, leaning against his bed, looking sad. I ask him what's wrong, he says nothing. *sigh* Sorry kid, your Mom is the Queen of "Nothing". So I say to him, "You just look a little sad. Are you sure there is nothing wrong?"

To which he replies, I just miss Chaya.

So do I kiddo, so do I. I motion for him to follow me into my room. We crawl into my bed together and I get Chaya Lamb. I told him that whenever I'm feeling the longing intensely (every night), I go to my bed, get Chaya Lamb, and hold her until the tears no longer want to fall. So we laid there while he cuddled Chaya Lamb and cried silent tears, while Mommy just held him in her arms, and her tears at bay.

Eventually he quit crying and got up and left the room. At which point it was all over for me.

I couldn't help it. I wanted God to tell me why He had to hurt us like that. I could handle my own pain no problem. I've been through lots of pain in my life. I've learned how to overcome. But my boys? Why did THEY have to go through this pain? They were both so looking forward to having a baby sister, and it was stripped away from them. Why/ Why God? WHY? WHY did you have to break my children's hearts? WHY did you have to rip from them their hope of a sister?

Needless to say, the tears fell. As I type I am trying to keep them from falling. The boys are here with me. They don't need to see me weakened yet again by the pain involved in the death of another dream.

I know the pain and hurt will end when this world is through and we get to Heaven. My only question now is....WHEN will that be?

The answer? Not soon enough.

January 28, 2010

Disagreeing with the President does not make one racist.
Believing in the President does not make one an idiot.


TOPICS COVERED IN THIS ENTRY:

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday




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Sunday



I find myself wondering what it is about some people that they feel the need to trample on a Mother's heart. A Mother who is already grieving the death of one of her children. Who cares if that child died before being born. It is still her child. Was the moment she knew she was pregnant.

I have a friend, a fellow Glory Mama, who is pregnant again. She writes in her blog announcing that her Glory Baby, Carleigh, is going to be a big sister. To which she receives an anonymous comment telling her that her baby is dead, she's not going to be a big sister. The commentor also told her that this new baby is just going to be a replacement for Carleigh.


All this was said ANONYMOUSLY. The person didn't have the GUTS to own their nasty comments.

Holly isn't the only one who has suffered at the hands of a vindictive anonymous commentor, either. ALL of the women in my support network have on a regular basis received nasty anonymous comments like that. For NO REASON. Not your typical "I think you need to let it go" sort of comments either. Oh no. That would be too easy. The comments I speak of are the nasty comments, demeaning whatever life the child had, the Mother's choices during the pregnancy and at the end of the child's life (many of my network are Mother's who were pregnant with babies with anencephaly and decided not to terminate). WHY do people feel the need to do such hateful, hurtful things? Why can't they just leave dead baby mamas alone?

I've even received some pretty hateful, hurtful comments from anonymous people at my Blogspot. I just delete them and don't give them the time of day. I don't respond to them via entry, either. It gives them far too much attention. But is their life REALLY that horrible that they feel the need to torture and already hurting Mother, just so THEY can feel better about their own life?

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Monday

Got a late start homeschooling today. Got up and out of bed in time, but we couldn't find the Bible we have been using for or morning worship that has the Daily Bible Reading list. It wouldn't have been a problem if the computer had already been on, but it had just been turned on as I took Mike to work and was still in the process of scanning. When it finally got finished scanning and turned on, the silly thing took a good 15 minutes to log in, and another five to let me open a browser window.

I need a new computer.

Anyway, it FINALLY opened and I FINALLY was able to get to the website and re-print. But worship was late, and it took longer to read than I thought it would. So we were about 45 minutes late for school.

And wouldn't you know, one hour later Christopher finds the Bible with the list in it.

However, Christopher FLEW through his work and got it done after less than 1 1/2 hours at work. Obviously he's learning or his work wouldn't have been so easy for him to get done so quickly.

Micheal, however, took longer to finish. Not because he was slower or because it was more difficult. But because he was not feeling well. Found out by Mama when she reprimanded him a little too harshly and he started crying even when I had apologized. I found out he hasn't been feeling terribly well the last couple of days. So I sent him back to bed to take a nap if need be. An hour later he felt better and came downstairs to finish his work.

At the very moment I am typing this, he's finished Grammar and the Math question he was to do and is now taking a 15 minute break before getting started on Bible class. Usually Bible is first, but because we were running late and I didn't know how long the other classes were going to take, I opted for doing those first and they could read their Bible lesson while I was at work.

Although now that I've had time to wake up and think, I feel that teaches them that God can come second (or third or fourth) in your life; that if they have lots of other pressing matters, they can set God to the side until they have time. So next time, it will be Bible first, no matter HOW late we are running.

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I find myself in amazement at the lack of compassion this world has. Even people who like to SAY they're very compassionate people tend to really not be. It's really disturbing to me. I don't know why, though. The Bible clearly states that the closer we get to the Second Advent of Christ the less compassion people will have and show. And I'm sad to say, I see it even in Christians I THOUGHT were truly great Christians. But it seems to me that the truly great Christians wouldn't be losing their compassion, but growing it.

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I think I've mentioned before that The Boss' Boss got canned. Now, he and I got along, but he wasn't fond of me, nor I of him. But we got along when in each other's company. I think I intimidated him because I wasn't afraid to tell it like it is, and that bothered him. Probably because he felt it threatened his position.

Well, now we have a new Boss' Boss. And he's not making any friends. He's rude. Not ALL of the time. Most of the time he's really a nice guy. Loud, but nice. Problem is, he uses sarcasm with people he doesn't know, and the way he uses it is inappropriate for people you don't know.

Take for instance a few days ago. A package came in before The Boss got there. One of the manager-ish crew leaders, who we will call MirMir, usually opens the boxes, but she didn't this time. The Boss asked her what it was, and she said she didn't know because she didn't open it because it didn't look like something she'd be interested in. So Boss' Boss said "Why? Because it wasn't from Abercrombie and Fitch?" in a rather sarcastic tone.

Now, you have to know this girl to know just how much that insulted her. She said she WANTED to ask him what made him think he had the right to say something like that, especially since he doesn't even know her. Later on, The Boss warned him not to mess with her OR Gigi because they would rip his eyeballs out.


He did not, unfortunately, warn him about ME.


He came in today while I was there. Everything was going fine. Yes, he is VERY loud. Louder than Mike, if you can believe it. But he was nice enough. About 45 minutes before the end of my shift, he comes up to me in drive-thru and asks me about the greeting. So I tell him I tend to say "Welcome to Sonic. I can take your order when you're ready." To which he asked "Where's the name?" I asked him what he meant, and he asked me why I don't say my name in the greeting. So I told him, "Because we don't HAVE to. We can, but it's not REQUIRED. And besides, I tell them my name and they don't even hear it and they call me something like Lisa or Samantha." Then he decided to argue with me, telling me the Sonic Handbook says we have to. I told him it doesn't, and if it does then they've changed it and no one told me about it, because the last time I knew, it was an option but not a requirement and that we even had little stickers posted by every switchboard with a list of appropriate greetings and the one I was saying was one of them and the one with our name was only one of them, all the others were nameless.


So he goes to the manager's desk and starts looking it up and asks Gigi, the second in command, about the stickers I mentioned and she told him she honestly couldn't remember. To which he asked her, "Why? Do you drink too much?" When she told me that, I told her she should have asked him what problem he has with her and that he doesn't know her so he needs to keep his mouth shut. BTW, she really doesn't drink ANYTHING, let alone too much. But she didn't, she just walked away.


About 15 minutes later he's standing over by switchboard writing something in his little notebook and he says, "By the way, Shannon, you're right." And I said, "I know," and walked away.


Of COURSE I'm right. Rarely am I wrong. ;-) Do NOT tell me how to do a job in a place I've specifically been working for for the greater majority of the last four years. And if you DO tell me how to do my job, you better be sure you're right.


And now he knows not to mess with me, either. Because unlike the other two, I WON'T keep my mouth shut if something needs to be said. If it had been ME he said that to instead of Gigi, he would have gotten an earful. I have nothing to lose. It's eight hours a week. After taxes, that's less than $60 a week. I have NOTHING to lose in opening my mouth.


I won't cuss at him, I won't scream or yell or curse him. But I WILL tell him EXACTLY how it is and EXACTLY what it makes him for saying such a thing (ok, so telling him what it makes him for saying such a thing might end up with a bad name in there somewhere)


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Tuesday


Tuesday. Tuesday..... What happened on Tuesday? I can't for the life of me remember anything that occurred during the day. Oh well. Must not have been that important.


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So how about NCIS, eh? (If you haven't seen this week's yet, don't read the rest of this part).


I've been waiting for a LONG TIME for Ziva and Tony to stop flirting and just get it going. And while last night's episode wasn't entirely straight forward with what happened between them in Paris in that it didn't come out and SAY anything happened, SO MANY THINGS point to it FINALLY happening.


And all I can say is IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!


I like Tony. I know he's a bit cocky and full of himself, but there was always something about him that indicated he really is a big softy on the inside. He's not as much of an ass as he appears to be. And Ziva...well, I LOVE Ziva. So this pleases me.


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Wednesday


I woke up with a migraine. Not happy about it. I went to bed early last night because I had a headache developing, and instead of sleep making it go away, it got worse.


But then I got a delivery. MY REPLACEMENT CAMERA! And not JUST the camera, but a carry case AND two additional memory cards (not including the memory card that comes with the camera when you buy it, which I got as well) that are EACH bigger than the one I already use. How AWESOME is that?!!!


So the endorphins being released into my bloodstream for being so happy about it have been helping my migraine go away. It's now just a dull roar. It's TRYING to be a migraine again, but I am trying very hard not to let it. Of course, that means potentially over dosing myself on Tylenol, but *shrugs*


**************************Let's all keep in mind the definition of politics: Poly=many. Tics=blood sucking parasites. In other words, MANY BLOOD SUCKING PARASITES. Parasites know no bounds, and do not belong to just one party. Don't let these parasites turn you away from what is REALLY important...your relationships to God and people.

January 24, 2010

Sometimes showing compassion
means keeping your opinion to yourself.
Learn to know when.


TOPICS COVERED IN THIS ENTRY:
Thursday
Friday
Sabbath
Sunday

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Thursday

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Friday

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I have some pictures to share. Some wonderful women have turned their grief into various ministries for other grieving parents. They've used their ministry to provide pictures for grieving parents. Some provide a beautiful name design in the stars in the heavens, some raise monarch butterflies and set them free in honor of the Glory Baby.

Written In the Stars


Angel Wings
This is just a picture of the actual product she is going to be sending me. We will be hanging the Angel Wings with Chaya's wreath that hangs above her candles in the Memorial spot we have for her on the piano. The date on the heart is not incorrect, it's just not written American style. She's adjusting it before she mails me the wings and heart to show Chaya's birthday in the format I'm more used to. She's a lovely lady.

Triplet Butterfly Wings

The woman who created this picture raises Monarchs to be set free. She sets free the females for the Baby Girls, and the males for the Baby Boys. Each one is unique for that particular baby. She never uses the same butterfly twice. This butterfly is specifically and only Chaya's.

And because I can't remember if I shared these others with you (and I'm feeling too lazy to go through back entries and find out if I did), I'm going to share these others with you. There will also be more coming, which I will share when they are done and I receive them. Some may be a while because they tend to depend more on the weather.

From Holly, a fellow Glory Mama who is expecting a Rainbow Baby(a baby after loss)

From Amanda, another fellow Glory Mama, but one I met while we were still pregnant...and here in Bloop. You may know her as [Baby Of Mine]. And Amanda, if you're reading this, I have something for Peyton, but it's on the memory card that goes to MY camera and won't fit in the camera I'm borrowing. As soon as my NEW camera gets here, I'll send it to you.

From To Write Their Names In the Sand

You can purchase a high resolution photograph on cd from them that does not have the watermark on top. You can also choose sunrise or sunset.

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Sabbath

Before you start thinking maybe you're crazy or lost your eyesight, Thursday and part of Friday ARE blank. I did have things written there, but after the events of today, I decided to delete them. They were far too negative. And after the events of today..... Well, you'll see.

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It all started Thursday night. Many, many....MANY months ago I downloaded some bible study type downloads from a place called Hem of His Garment. These particular downloads are only available to VIPs (which I believe was FREE).

Anyway, I forgot about them until Thursday afternoon, at which point I uploaded them to my mp3 player. The first part of the study is called Reconnecting with God. I listened to part one Thursday night, and part two Friday night. The woman is very difficult to listen to, she's UBER soft-spoken ESPECIALLY for a black woman (I mean no disrespect in saying that, it's just that usually you don't come across a black woman who is quiet and soft-spoken).

After listening to each hour, I listened to a few of my favorite Christian songs (as well as one seasonal one from TSO): We Give You Glory by Jeremy Camp; My Savior, My God by Aaron Shust; How He Loves Us by The David Crowder Band; and Christmas Canon Rock by TSO. (and yes, I'm aware my punctuation may be a big fail). I fell asleep both nights feeling so much warmth and peace it was beautiful. And aside from having a nightmare that the alarm clock went off (which turned out to not be a nightmare, but reality), I slept so peacefully and STRAIGHT through, which usually NEVER happens.

The next mornings, I woke up feeling happy. BOUNDING out of bed (even after a mere four hours of sleep Thursday night). Had morning worship with the boys (which consists of the day's Bible readings for the Read in a Year plan I stole from Christina ;-)), and just got busy. Friday, however, I did take a bit of a nap from 12:30NOON to 2:30PM. It wasn't the two hours straight, though. It was cut in quarters by boys who needed Mama.

Sabbath morning, after morning worship and getting everyone ready for church, we sat and listened to an episode of Your Story Hour (if you're interested in listening online, do NOT click on the podcast link on the left side...it will only take you to episodes over a year old. Instead, click here), which is why we ended up being 10 minutes late to Sabbath School. We couldn't cut the episode short because it was just that good, and it seems you can no longer download the mp3s. I wish we could. I'd put them on my mp3 player and we'd listen on our way TO church. But *shrugs*.

Once the episode is over, we head out to Sabbath School. For which there is no special story.

After Sabbath School is, of course, church. The sermon today was about Christians and Depression. It always AMAZES me, in a VERY sad way, how many Christians really do believe that if you are depressed, you are not REALLY a Christian and that you CAN'T be depressed if you are a true Christian. It's a load of CROCK, but what do I know?

The speaker, who happens to be a Doctor, discussed one instance of depression mentioned in the Bible. And not just depression, but MANIC depression. From a source most people wouldn't even CONSIDER, but if you know anything about manic depression, mania, or depression, re-read the full story of Elijah. Especially the part right after the incident with the Baal worshipers on Mt. Carmel. Reading that story while keeping in mind mania and depression traits, a light just clicks on and you're like "OMG! Elijah was a manic depressive!"

And Elijah made it to Heaven without dying. How do you like THEM apples? Yeah. That's what I thought.

So anyway, I obviously don't remember the full sermon word for word. Nor do I remember even good points I wanted to write about. What I DO remember is how I felt during and after that sermon. Being depressed isn't anti-Biblical or anti-Christian. It's normal, especially for the world we live in and the things we see on a regular basis. And people who are depressed do NOT need to hear criticism for their depression. NOR do they need someone to just say "Turn to God, he'll get you through." What people who are depressed need is a friend, someone who will HELP them through the depression. Someone who will HELP them turn to God. Because I tell you, if it were as simple as just turning to God and asking for his help to get through it, we'd all do it first thing. But one thing not commonly understood about depressives is that we feel we CAN'T turn to God because HE'S turned his back on US. Yes, we know what the Bible says about that, and we also know deep down that we're wrong. But we don't need people making us feel guilty for feeling this way, because that only makes it worse.

Oh, and sometimes turning to God ISN'T enough. Sometimes medication IS NEEDED. So the Christians who seem to have the idea that medication is even further proof the depressive isn't REALLY a Christian can go stick that in their ear.

Ok, I kind of went off there. Sorry. No one here has ever given me reason to go off like that. I have struggled with people like that, though. And I know a very wonderful young lady here in Bloop who tends to get attitudes like that from people every so often, too.

So, I made it through church without crying. Didn't even come close. EVEN with all the cute little girls there. 14 months of avoiding church as much as possible because of the tears involved when seeing those beautiful little girls. But not one drop formed in my eyes the entire time. NOT. ONE. DROP.

So anyway, I loved the sermon. I'll see if I can get a dvd copy of it and maybe download bits and pieces if I can. OH! Or once the secretary uploads it to the church website I'll link you to it. *Some* of you may find it very helpful in dealing with your own depression.

After church we went to my parents house for dinner. Had lamb for the first time EVER. Mom made Crockpot Lamb Stew. It was actually QUITE tasty. Not much different from beef stew, actually, except the meat was more tender (though Dad says it's because it was quite marbled [err, fatty for the non-cooks]). Enjoyed just spending time with family for a while, until the BRO and SIL had to leave. Then I gave Mom the extra crochet hook and yarn I brought and had her help me figure out how to crochet.

I figured out what I was doing wrong and why I couldn't go any further than I was each time I tried. I missed a very simple little instruction in the worded instructions that brought me to a dead stop. So Mom showed me how to do it the RIGHT way (it really was a very stupid mistake), and then I learned three more stitches. And now I know all the stitches I need to know in order to make the crochet purse I want to make. YAY!

And I am in such a good mood right now that I'm not going to mar it by telling you what happened today with Doug. Let's just say it's another one for the records.

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Sunday

Something's going down. I don't quite know what, yet. But it involves Doug. Please keep us in your prayers.

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I want you to think about your typical nine year old boy. Got him in your head?

Would you have a conversation with that nine year old boy about politics? Would you discuss with him about the state government being out for blood? Would you discuss with him the state of the economy and how it's going downhill? Would you tell your caring and compassionate and concerned nine year old boy that pretty soon you won't be able to afford your apparently absolutely necessary medication?

Would you have that sort of a grown-up conversation with a nine year old boy?

Doug did. Scared the crap out of poor Micheal. Doug also told Micheal that the State of Oregon is going to be voting to get rid of homeschooling and force children to GO to school because the schools are so stretched for money and it's because of the kids being taken out of the schools and being homeschooled. Micheal did NOT like that one bit. As soon as I saw his face fall and him say in a very sad tone "Why would they not let us homeschool?", I knew I had to listen in to that conversation. So I called Micheal over to me and he sat with me as I listened in.

At which point the grown-up toned discussion about politics, government, and medication occurred. Children don't need to know all about those kinds of things. Not nine year old children. High school maybe, but not mine. Mine are too young yet. That is an ADULT conversation that needs to be had with ADULTS. He also asked Micheal how Mike and I are doing....if we're doing okay or if it's still like it was the last time they talked. I talked to the boys about that one when they got off the phone.

The boys both say they have never talked to Doug about Mike and I. Ever. I don't believe Micheal, because he's a big mouth, but it doesn't matter. I'm sure Micheal talked to his Dad about Mike and I when Micheal told me Mike hurt his feelings and I took him downstairs to talk to Mike and figure out what happened and found out Micheal disobeyed and got in trouble for it and i didn't take Micheal's side. But even if he has talked to his Dad about Mike and I, people argue. It's a fact of life. And since there is no tape recorder in the house, and my kids have proven a penchant for exaggeration, Doug really has nothing to go on.

But he's up to something. Something bad. I can feel it in my bones.

Anyway, when they got off the phone with him (and keep in mind Micheal is the only one he had that grown up conversation with), I had a talk with Micheal.

I began with homeschool. I told him that the public school system is not faltering and needing money because kids are being taken out and homeschooled. People still pay taxes, and that is how the schools get money. Forcing the homeschooled children to go back to school will not result in the schools getting more money. And even if they WERE forced to go back to school, I'd send them to the church school before I'd send them back to the public school. I also told him he doesn't even have to worry about it because it's not going to happen. At the very most, they will place education regulations on the homeschool educators, at which point I have a plan that will work and they can continue homeschooling. I can be devious if necessary.

I also told him that he doesn't have to worry about his dad not getting his medication, because even if he couldn't pay for it anymore, most of the companies that make those medications also have special programs for people who NEED the medications and can't afford them, and most doctors even have LOTS of free samples of those medications sitting around in their offices. His dad will never go without his absolutely necessary medication if he knows how and where to look.

Then I told Micheal that he doesn't need to worry about politics or government. He's too young. I told him that his Dad was greatly exaggerating what's going on as well as it's obvious he doesn't have a grasp of what government really is about (obviously his college classes aren't doing him an ounce of good), and that while it's possible that eventually those things he said will come to pass, they will only come to pass when it falls into the plan of God.

And then I shared Romans 8:28 with him and explained to him that no matter what happens, God can take that bad and turn it around and make it work for the good of our lives if we love and obey him. That was the thing that relaxed him the most.

So yeah, Doug's up to something. I can feel it. I've known that he was up to something before, but now it's in my bones. So for those of you who are prayers, please keep us in your prayers. As well as any judge we may be seen before. Start praying for the judge now, that by the time court comes along his eyes are fully opened to the deceit that is Doug.