Church still equals pain

I have a difficult time going to church.

In the first few months (or more), it was a combination of things. First, there were LOTS of baby girls. Second, I was so angry with God I didn't feel it was right for me to be at Church.

For the first few months, I just DIDN'T go. And once I started going again, I spent more time in the bathroom crying than in the pew. All those baby girls. Some months older than Chaya, some days, some a little younger.

As time passed, my anger towards God diminished, but there were still all those baby girls. The newborns especially bothered me. And when they would sit in the pew directly in front of us, it was all I could do not run out screaming. And I STILL spent more time in the bathroom crying than in the pew.

I still don't go regularly. It's so difficult to watch these baby girls growing up, knowing that my own should be doing the same.

And every week something would be sung or said in the sermon that would have me breaking down. I went through a 12-pack of pocket Kleenex's in less than a month.

Today we went to a different church. This church doesn't have all those baby girls. This church has baby boys. It doesn't hurt as bad for some reason. Oh, it still hurts, just not as bad.

AND YET...I STILL managed to break into tears. Why? Because 1)they read a Scripture about God creating man in His image, and 2)they sang a praise song that for some reason just hit the button.

Why would the Scripture bother me so much? I don't really know. Honestly. I think because one of the Scriptures that brought me peace was related to it in a way. God created us, and Chaya was return to that Creation. But I can't say for certain. These days ANYTHING can cause me to break down.

I know people around me are probably getting tired of worrying about if I'm going to break down. If anything they say or do is going to hit that button and cause the water to flow. But I can't just shut it off. Even if I could, I don't know that I would. In my mind, right now, the lack of crying equates to a forgotten memory. And I don't want her memory forgotten.

I still have more weeks I DON'T go to church than weeks I DO go to church. I'm not sure that will actually ever change. It might, but I don't know. Right now, the thought of watching all these other babies grow up is too painful.